Lately, and by lately I mean in the past year or two, I have begun to feel some distance between us.  There is the physical distance of not being near each other as much anymore, but there is also the distance that remains when we happen to be near, in person or over the phone.  I feel like you have put this distance between us.  But who did what does not have any significance to me.  There are two sides to every relationship and I realize that I must have had an equal part to play.  But I feel as if I have been misunderstood.  That is okay.  I have misunderstood and will continue to misunderstand myself.  I hope that I can now explain myself.

We all live our own lives.  We each will have to individually leave this Earth when we have to.  We will do this alone.  Consequently, only we as individuals can tell ourselves how we want to lead the life that we have.  I have spent and continue to spend a lot of my time thinking about how to live my life best.  Thinking about… knowing that I will one day die, how will I have liked to have spent my moments here?  In answering this question I have needed to ask myself others.

Who am I?  What do I value?  What am I passionate about?  What makes me happy?  What makes me unhappy?

As I answer these questions, my life has changed and will continue to change.  I have manifested and will continue to manifest my life through my thoughts and my energy.  As we all do.

We were all once younger and more together.  Our lives afforded us that.  We had amazing times together that we all still love and cherish.  These times happened often.  We were younger and even more inexperienced in our lives and our greatest joy was simply experiencing and learning together.  So we did all of the same things.  Had all of the same hobbies, desires, strengths, and vices.  And there could be no suspicion of judgement because we all did it together.

As I have grown older I have realized that I face death everyday.  Every moment is precious and I want to live it to MY fullest. Because of this, you may have noticed some changes in me.  We now have different hobbies, different desires, different strengths, and different vices.  This is where I think the distance has been created.

We are all different.  We each have our own experience.  I know myself and my own life and I am in a position to judge Things for myself.  I am able to judge whether I want certain things in my life.  For example, certain Things (among many) that I have let go, as everyone reading would know, would be eating animal products, smoking cigarettes, excessive (or what I deem, and this is only I that deems it so) partying, consumerism, grudges or hatred in any form, judging others, and negativity.

I have passed judgement on these things.  I have.  For Myself.  Knowing that I, Jacob O’Connor, will one day have to face death, I judge these things as ill ways to pass my time.

But I must confess further.  As we are all human, I believe that we are so spiritually similar.  We are spiritual beings.  I also judge these things to be ill ways for All humans to pass the time we have here.

Here is where I think the distance is.

Firstly, the proximal or more superficial distance.  I am not seeing you as much as I used to.  This is the manifestation of our differences as people and what we want in our lives.  It started when I decided to leave Ottawa and come to Toronto.  I was looking for and valuing something different.  I didn’t value financial and emotional safety.  I wanted to learn and I wanted to grow.  For my friends in Ottawa, that has put miles between us.  For those here in Toronto, we manifest through our thoughts what we do with our lives.  If I am not seeing you as often, it is because we value and think about different things.  This has nothing to do with what I think of you or what you think of me.  I understand that.  I hope you do too.  Once again, we face death alone and so we all need to choose how we live our lives.  I respect that.

Next, the more real distance.  I think that my life choices (and obvious judgement of certain things that these choices imply) may have led you to believe that I may judge you or think myself above you.  This is absolutely not the case.  Absolutely not. Absolutely not.  Absolutely not.  I had to repeat it three times.  Absolutely not.  Four.  Just as I only have the right to choose how I live my life, you only have the right to choose how to live yours.  I completely respect that right.  I also know that we are all different and that we all are going to live our lives differently.  That is 100% certain.  The choices I make about my life have no impact on how I feel about you.  I love each and every one of you unconditionally.  Unconditionally.  When I say unconditionally I do not only mean regardless of what you do to yourself, but regardless of what you do to me or others I love.  I love you all no matter what you do.  I may not judge the Things you Do to be right for me.  I may not judge the Things you Do to be right for humans in general.  But I will never judge you and I will always love you and be here for you.

I hope you all understand.

Hi friends, I hope you are all well 🙂

As you all probably know, I am quite simple when it comes to my methods of communication.  I much prefer a phone call to a text.  Rather than using Facebook, Twitter, Tinder, or Instagram to communicate or keep in touch electronically, I would prefer exchanging emails.

Last week I was selling my partner’s iPhone for her.  Saturday evening, I received some animated text messages from an eager potential buyer.  I did not respond immediately (I am admittedly not overly mindful of responding to text messages).

Sunday, I was working on an assignment at the school library when I received a phone call from the same number.  It was a young man who was quite polite.  He informed me of his interest in the phone and that he was willing to match the listed price (which was some discount in my view).  He was naught twenty minutes walking distance and he would come to me.  Being that I was in the midst of an assignment and had been dealing with reading wonky text messages for the past week or two, I was ecstatic with the situation.

Two minutes after I hung up, still basking in the awesomeness of the situation, I received a text message.  It was the same young man.

“Actually that crack is only going to get bigger.  I’ll give you ($50 less then the price we had just kindly agreed over the phone two minutes earlier).”

I answered, “No.  The crack will not get bigger.  If it does you can fix it for under $50.  The phone is already priced at 50% of what some sellers are advertising,” and got back to my assignment, shaking my head and furrowing my brow.

Another vibration. “Is there a charger or box?”

“No.  As advertised.  Just the phone.”

“So I have to buy a charger?”

I didn’t answer that one.  Five minutes later, another vibration.

“Ok come to my house.”  (He had mentioned in the phone conversation he was at Parliament and Dundas.)

“Lol. We went from you coming to me and paying the list price to you lowballing me and me coming to you.  I’ll meet you halfway.”

“Ok, come to Tim Horton’s at Parliament and Dundas.”

At this point I am getting a little bit frustrated as these messages have now been interrupting my work for the past 15-20 minutes.

“That’s not halfway.  That’s your house.  I’ll meet you at the corner of Sherbourne and Dundas.”

“But there’s nowhere to meet there.”

At this point I had had enough and called him.  We quickly agreed to meet at the corner of Sherbourne and Dundas in fifteen minutes.  I let him know that I would ask Lisa if she had an extra charger, but that I didn’t believe she did.  We met on time.  We shook hands, had a brief but friendly conversation and parted ways.

***

From my own experience, the various types of instant messaging mediums inherently give the green light to indecently push the boundaries of the behaviors and character we would embody in person or on the phone.  There is an impersonality to it that yields to our online avatars or desires in a way that could not happen otherwise.

In the past, I have acted in ways over these mediums that have directly and indirectly caused great harm to the person on the other end, other people in my life, and myself.  Conversely, others have acted in ways over these mediums that have directly or indirectly caused great harm to me, others around them, and themselves.  I am sure that these actions could not have taken place, been initiated or been ongoing in person or over the phone.

I am of the belief that all that we truly have in this world is the integrity of our own minds and so I do my best to stay away from anything that can increase the risks of losing this for myself or for others.  Further, when it comes to those dearest to me, it always lifts my soul to hear their voices and enjoy a real, loving conversation (even if it is less than brief).

What does your “heaven” look like?

This is a thought I’ve reflected on quite a few times and one that came up in a brief but real conversation with a good friend, Kadeem, yesterday.  A thought worth sharing, I deem.

How do we create our reality?  How do we create our lives?  Let’s look at the statement made in the title: consciousness = reality.  What is consciousness?  To me, consciousness is everything that we hold in our awareness that guides our interaction with the present moment.  When we think of “to be conscious of”, we mean that we hold awareness or attention to the intended object.  So, consciousness is the totality of everything that we hold in awareness or attention in every moment.

In every moment, there is a war on consciousness.  There are forces in the media controlled by the powers that be that try to control your consciousness.  If consciousness can be controlled, then beliefs, thought patterns, habits, and, finally, lives can be as well.

Let’s look at consciousness as the lens through which you see your reality.  Right now, the corrupt powers that be (notice I refuse to call them leaders), are a group of optometrists.  They have a monopoly on optometry.  They are treating every single patient.  The thing is, they are prescribing a lens that only lets their patients see what they want them to see, leaving everything else blurry.  As a patient, everyone is going to these optometrists, so I am going to as well.  But, as a result, there is a whole lot of stuff that I cannot see and, therefore, cannot hold in my awareness.  I cannot be conscious of it.  All that I can be conscious of is what the optometrists want me to see.  Hang on, I don’t know if I want these lenses anymore!

This is exactly what is happening in our western, capitalist world.  A group of people make trillions off of the general population’s continued consumption.  All we are meant to be conscious of is the next dollar, the next new product, the next celebrity story, the next new distraction.

I got a little carried away on that tangent; I’m very passionate about this.

Let’s go back to the statement, consciousness = reality.  I think we now have a deeper understanding of consciousness.  But how does this create our reality?  You might have been able to tell a bit from my definition of consciousness and the optometry example.  Remember, we said that “consciousness is everything that we hold in our awareness that guides our interaction with the present moment”.  The present moment is all we have.  The present moment is when we act.  Who we are today is the sum total of all of our interactions with the present moment.  Now, if consciousness guides our interaction with these moments, then it can be said our consciousness guides the creation our reality.

Another example.  One that I can speak on.  Let’s talk about bacon and cheeseburgers.  Actually, let’s talk about bacon cheeseburgers.  I loved bacon cheeseburgers.  And I mean loved them.  I could mow down three or four of them at a time.  This was something that I did completely unconsciously.  I ate these things for almost twenty years never having thought about how they came to my plate and in to my belly.  Since a young boy, the media pushed this “food” on me and drove me to consume more and more to put dollars in the pockets of greedy and value-less corporations.  Never did I see the same type of media push showing the treatment of the poor cows and pigs I was eating.  This was never talked about.  It was and is not part of collective consciousness (a term we will see again).  There was a war against my consciousness driving me to consume and not think about the morality behind my decisions and so I ran on auto-pilot as a slave to the dollar (and the bacon cheeseburger).  Eventually, alternative news sites and books brought the horrific issues of mass production to my attention, and they are now ever-present in my consciousness.  This informs my food choices every single day.

Let’s do one more.  iPhones.  Apple posted record corporate profits of $18B last quarter.  Eighteen billion dollars.  In four months.  65% of this was from iPhone sales.  The clearest example of complete consumer consciousness there could be.  Let’s think about this logically for a moment.  There are BILLIONS of people hungry on our planet.  Yet, Apple makes a yearly update to their phone and can consistently get millions on millions of people to shell out $700 a year.  Wait, what?

Our consciousness creates our reality.  If I am not holding these starving people in my consciousness, if I am not holding the people working in the factories in my consciousness, if I am not holding our dying planet in my consciousness, then I can spend $700 on a phone that does nothing to solve all of these pressing and most important issues.  If I am holding my status highly in my consciousness, if I am holding money highly in my consciousness, if I am holding materialism in my consciousness, then I cannot wait to spend $700 on a phone that gives me all of these things.  And who really “benefits” (on a completely monetary level)?  The people pushing these ideas into our consciousness.  Who are these people?  See my post “some questions we should all be asking”.

I think I got carried away again.  It happens.

Let’s get back to it.  So,  “consciousness is everything that we hold in our awareness that guides our interaction with the present moment” and it creates our reality because it is a lens through which we think and then act in the present.  Let’s illustrate this two more times.

If my conscious if full of love and compassion for the world and all of its inhabitants, then I will not act in ways that harm the world and all of its inhabitants.  It may begin by being a youth who loves to help others and finds a passion in working with children.  This may lead to a university career in Social Work.  This may lead to work with a not-for-profit.  This may lead me back to school for a masters and PhD in sustainability or international development.  This may lead to noble works.

I think this is closer to what is wanted of us.  Let’s suppose my conscious is one of a consumer and a need for the newest products and material validation.  This may begin as a youth who has all of the newest clothes and gadgets, but struggles focusing on his school work.  This may lead to a university career in Business, but without the instant gratification, it doesn’t last.  Instead, this may lead to a decent paying job, but one that can’t quite get all of the newest and shiniest things.  This may lead to a perpetual state of balancing paying off piling loans and interest while attempting to find fulfillment in all the newest material offerings.

I think consciousness = reality should be hammered home now.

Now, let’s look at this on a grander scale.  Our consciousness creates our reality, as individuals.  Our individual realities collectively create our collective reality.  Collective consciousness creates our collective reality.

When we look at our current reality here on earth, it is a marvel what the human mind can accomplish.  Stunning and brilliant feats of architecture and technology.  However, this was all created from a collective consciousness in disharmony with the ourselves and our planet.  A few of my own words to describe the collective consciousness that has created our current reality would be: ambitious, resourceful, abusive, innovative, greedy, profit-driven, and deceptive.  Because of this collective consciousness, we have created a reality here on Earth that reflects that.  Our buildings and machines show our resourcefulness, ambition, and innovation, but they also deceptively abuse the Earth and its inhabitants because they are driven by greed and profit.  Regardless, as I stated early, one can only marvel at our innovations.

Now, imagine… What if we could alter collective consciousness?  What if we could couple man’s innovation and ambition with his love, compassion, and kindness?  This shift in consciousness would yield Heaven on Earth.  Look at the pictures at the beginning of the post.  It is already here.  All we have to do is change what is in our hearts and in our minds, and we could create something even more breath-takingly beautiful then what already exists.

Much Love.

to the context of this “blog”

“No, I’m not so shameless as to set about treating people when I’m sick myself. I’m talking to you as if I were lying in the same hospital ward, about the illness we’re both suffering from, and passing on some remedies. So listen to me as if I were speaking to myself. I’m allowing you access to my inmost self, calling you in to advise me as I have things out with myself.”

– Seneca (who is one of my favourite thinkers… Read “Letters from a Stoic” and “Dialogues and Essays”)

I had a couple of conversations with dear friends that led to this post.  This is just one illustration that the power our language holds in shaping our lives and who we are.  Once again, this is my own understanding.

Jackson tells Luke that what he truly wants is money.

Luke knows Jackson, and he does not believe this to be true.  Why do you want money? he asks.

Jackson tells Luke that he wants to be able to support himself and his eventual family.  He wants to be able to put them through school and to take them on family vacations ever so often.  He wants to have this security, freedom, and flexibility.

Luke tells Jackson then, that Jackson does not want money, what he truly wants is to support a wonderful family.

Jackson says, Well yes, but I need money for that.  Of course you do, replies Luke.

Jackson is confused.  So then I want money.

So, you get money, and then what? Asks Luke.

Then I can support my future family!

So then say that is what you wish to do!

Jackson is very confused and a little annoyed with Luke at this point.  How can he be so caught up over such an insignificant difference?

***

This difference is not so insignificant as it seems.  Some people are not like Jackson.  I have not met one of these people yet but this person truly believes that money is what they really want; money is their End (as opposed to Jackson who uses it as a means to his True End).  These are the people that are in the headlines in the biggest of corporate scandals but also the people whose names we will never know that truly pull the strings. It is plain to see that virtually all of the suffering in our world is caused by greed or by desiring money or profit.  When the goal is money, morals and principles seem to get thrown out of the window.

So now let’s look at Jackson.  Jackson states he wants money.  We know that what he truly wants is to support a wonderful family, but what he states is that he wants money.  Just like disrespect towards woman (which I’ve spoken of before), there IS something systematic in this language and there is a reason that many are speaking like this (so this must be kept in mind!).

In Jackson’s life there will be many, many situations in which he will have a choice to make when it comes to money.  Maybe he sees someone drop their wallet.  Maybe someone miscalculates what they owe and has given themselves an unfair deal with him.  Maybe Jackson becomes a manager of a company.  In this type of position it becomes much easier to alter things in one’s personal favor for monetary gain.  Jackson is a good man, but if Jackson is always telling others and (more importantly) himself, that what he truly desires is money then Jackson is much more likely to sacrifice morals in order to achieve financial gain (as we see many people have and do).  If a woman walking down the street were to drop her purse, Jackson would know that there would be an opportunity to get money, and he would be likely to take the purse as money is what he truly desires.

Now, let’s say that Jackson states that his desire is to support a wonderful family.  When in these situations he is much more likely to refrain from doing things that not only jeopardize his ability to support his family, but also the ability of others to support their families.  Not only this, the institution of family is one that values love and trust.  One who values love and trust is more likely to act in ways that promote love and trust.

This doesn’t only relate to specific choices or actions, but to creating a life.  Simply by changing a few words, Jackson will act in very different ways that will create very different lives.  If he is not careful, he could end up in a situation or a life that is not in line with who he truly is and he will be very unhappy.

This also doesn’t only relate to this specific situation of stating one’s desire for money.  Our language has very real power.  If we are not speaking our own truths, then it is very easy to create a reality that is out of harmony with who we really are.

Women are systematically disrespected.
Robbed of dignity and humanity.
Do we take no heed?
Do we have not mothers or sisters or daughters?
For every woman is one of these things
And at least we must see that.

But rooted even before these special family bonds
Is the real bond of oneness
And that is what we really must see.
That is understanding.

Of course we all have desires
But are we so powerless against them?
Why is the woman at fault to the point of degradation?
Is it because the guilty conscious needs someone to blame for its own betrayal of humanity and of oneness?
For its inability to control and listen to its deepest self?
Or are we so weak as we need to put others down to seem strong?

There is something systematic in this
So we must try to be conscious and think for ourselves.
The reverse is true, but I feel that it is less systematic.

“How long will they be?”

“Mmm… Probably an hour or two?”

“Ahh…”

“You got somewhere to be? Do you need to make a call?”

“I don’t think I’ll be telling anyone about this!”

They both laughed and the friendly light-skinned gentleman drifted through the doorless doorway into adjacent the room.  Henry remained seated.  The door of the small room’s other doorway opened.  A pleasant-looking latin woman entered.

“Hello,” Henry greeted her.

“Hello,” she returned with a smile.

“How’s your day going?” asked Henry.

“Oh, it’s been good,” she replied. “It’s almost done.”

“Am I keeping you?”

“Oh, no.”

“Good.” The lady briefly took a seat on the opposite side of the room just a few steps away from Henry before rising again and walking through the empty doorway and returning with a clipboard.  She reclaimed her seat.

“So,” she started,”you just have to read and sign this okay?”

“Yeah, no problem,” replied Henry.  He very much liked the lady’s aura. “What’s your name?”

“Cynthia,” she replied warmly with a smile.

“Do you have a family?” asked Henry.

“I do.”

“Children?”

“Two girls,” she replied, “two and six.”

“That’s lovely.”

“Thank you,” she said before asking, “are you a student?”

“I was,” replied Henry, “I didn’t finish.”

“What did you study?”

“You’re going to laugh,” said Henry, chuckling himself.

“Well I already am now!” she laughed along. “What?”

“Criminology.”

Cynthia bursted out in laughter.  Henry bashfully joined in.

“That is funny.”

“I told you.”

“Okay well I think I’m gonna take off,” said Cynthia.

“Okay, well have a good night!” replied Henry. “It was very nice to meet you.”

“It was very nice to meet you too,” she said before mouthing, “you’ll be fine.”

They shared a smile and Cynthia left.  Henry adjusted himself to sit upright in improved posture.  He then emptied his mind, focused on his breath, and sat in silence, his face serene and unmoving.  He sat there for some time like this.  How much time he did not know.

The door opened and two police officers entered.  One Asian and one Caucasian, both in their thirties.  The Asian man sat in the seat where Cynthia sat a time ago and the Caucasian remained standing.  Henry crossed his legs.

“So,” said the Asian, “what happened?”

“I came here to buy some groceries for dinner.  I walked through the men’s aisle on the way to get some pasta.  I saw the razor that I had bought from here a couple months ago.  When I bought it one of the attachments was missing.  So I opened the package calmly and openly in plain view and grabbed the attachment that was missing.  I don’t know why I didn’t just bring it to the customer service desk, but that’s what I did.  Then I did my groceries.  Then right before I was about to cash out, I guess I was in the spirit, I put the almonds in my pocket. Then I paid for my groceries and I left.”

The Asian paused for a minute, “You seem like a good guy.  Are you low on money?”

“No, not like that.”

“Do you work?”

“Yes.”

“Where?”

“At the community centre down the street.”

“With kids?”

“Yeah.”

“You know if you get convicted you can lose your job?”

“Yup.”

The Caucasian officer had been silent thus far, “I don’t buy this, ‘In the spirit’, ‘I don’t know’.”  He was much harder than the Asian officer.  “You had a plan.  You came here to steal that razor.  It wasn’t a cheap one either.”

“Actually I took an attachment.  I had already bought that razor.”

He wasn’t listening and continued, “We know how this works.  You do this all the time.  What, you only did this one time and you got caught? No.  If you don’t know why you did something, then who does?  Enough with the excuses.”

The Asian officer started to look much harder.  Henry said nothing for a while, then started, “I’m not making any excuses.  I take full responsibility for my actions.”

The two officers looked at each other and had some sort of understanding.  The Asian officer got up and the looked through the open doorway.  It had been silent in there since they had arrived.  “Do you want us to charge him?”  There was no audible response.  “Okay, come with us.  We’re going to bring you up to the car, we’ll look over a few things and make our decision.”

Henry got up at his own pace and followed the officers out of the small office.  He exchanged smiles and waves with the friendly light-skinned gentleman on the way out.

The caucasian officer led the way.  Henry walked a few steps behind him.  The asian officer led the rear.  Henry examined the caucasian.  His sharp, short haircut.  He was about six feet tall and thick.  He wore a robust uniform.  Bulletproof.  Hand gun on his waist.  Pepper spray.  He turned around to see if Henry had tried any funny business.  A number on his chest.  As they walked closer to the store’s exit, the asian officer caught Henry up.  He looked much harder, thought Henry.

“You know what,” he said, “maybe you aren’t such a nice guy.” He spoke to himself as much as he spoke to Henry.  “You do this all the time.  If we let you off you’re just going to do this again.  Who knows what other criminal stuff you get up to?  You don’t care.  We should take you right to the station.”

Henry didn’t respond as they walked through the exit doors.

Their car was parked right outside of the store.  The caucasian man opened the back door and Henry jumped in.  It was so tight!  Henry sat twisted behind the passenger seat with his legs sprawled out behind the driver seat.  This was the only way he could fit.  The asian officer sat in front of him and the caucasian in the driver.

Henry peered through the glass to the front of the car.  The officers were looking at the screen that sat in between their seats and spoke in hushed voices.  Then the caucasian officer started, “So why did you do it?  What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Ummm…” Henry paused.  He sat in contemplation as he tried to truthfully answer why.  “Uhhh… I think…”  He needed a little bit of reflection and self-examinaton to reply to this one.

“You’re not making a good case for yourself here, Henry,” replied the caucasian officer warningly.

“Let’s take him in,” chimed in the Asian, “clearly he doesn’t give a shit.”  Once again, he spoke almost as much to himself as he spoke to Henry.

Henry did not defend himself, but began to feel a little annoyed.

“You know you can lose your job, right?  We went over that?  You might not ever be able to get a decent job again.”

“Yeah,” replied Henry, his brief annoyance had subsided.  “I know,” he added calmly.  He did know.  Henry knew just as well as the police officers exactly what he had done, and the potential consequences.  As Henry regained his composure, it seemed the opposite was true for the officers.

“You know Henry, I don’t get it,” said the caucasian, “most people like you… We bring ’em in here and they’re begging for forgiveness and promising they’ll never commit a crime again.  You, you…”  His temperature was rising.

“How do we know you won’t do this again?” demanded the asian officer in a raised voice.

“You don’t,” replied Henry.  Silence followed his response and Henry rethought it.  It was true, he confirmed with himself. They would never see him again.  He could give them his word, but his circumstances might change.  Also, they’d only just met him.  They didn’t know anything about him and they didn’t seem quick to give out trust.  They could, but wouldn’t “know” simply from his word.

“You know, maybe I’ve got it,” said Henry.  The officers perked up.  They didn’t know how to react to Henry’s previous response, maybe they could get him here. “Well, I don’t know.  You guys must understand.  I think everyone has some sort of “flaw” that goes against their character.  Or is it even a flaw?  Does it really go against their character? My character?  Maybe it doesn’t… I mean you guys seem like “good guys”, you don’t make any mistakes that you just can’t explain?  That completely seem to be in contrast with the rest of your life?  That cause you pain?  Do you guys get it?”

“Yeah… I think I get what you’re saying,” said the caucasian, his voice somehow softer, embarrassed.

“Or you know what,” started Henry again, this time with more conviction, “that’s bull shit.”  Henry saw the two officers exchange glances in front of him but they said nothing, and he continued, “Well it’s not bull shit, but it is bull shit for me.  I’ve been quiet.  I’ve listened to you guys.  You guys want me to play your game.  I’m not playing it.  It’s bull shit too!  You guys are in it.  I hope you don’t believe it but you’re clearly in it.  I’m a decent-seeming young working white man who went to university for a bit.  Because of that, to you I ‘just made a mistake’.  You guys play good-cop, bad-cop, I’m a little boy who’s never gotten in trouble before, I cry, I beg you forgiveness, you threaten me to the last then you let me off, I thank you guys with everything in me and you guys feel like the good guys.  No harm done, I get to keep my job and be the ‘contributing’ quiet white dude.  Forget that.  What about the unemployed immigrant?  You guys give him the same treatment?  No, you bring him to jail and you convict him for taking a two-cent razor and overpriced almonds.  Now he’s even worse off.  He had nothing to begin with and now he’s worse off because he’s not white and working and from school.  Doesn’t he need more of a break?”

“And I know exactly why I did what I did.  I just didn’t want to crash your party.  I didn’t want to ruin everything for you completely.  I know this is scripted.  I know you have the script ready for each profile in the book.  You know what?  I’ve done it before and I’ll probably… You know what, I actually won’t do it again.  I know my job is on the line.  I know my future is on the line.  But if that happened today then I would have dealt with it.  And I would have been given more of a chance!  But I would have fought it with the people that aren’t so lucky!  The ones that don’t look so decent by your standards, or by your institution’s standards.  I hope you guys don’t believe it.  But I did it because I don’t care about this corporation.”  Henry motioned to the store.  “You think I care to take from a corporation that takes so much from me, humanity, and the planet every day? If I can save myself a couple dollars on its malfunctioning or overpriced products and hurt the corporation at the same time? Man that’s a double win.  I knew what I was doing and I was okay with it.  But you guys don’t want to hear that, you can’t hear that.”

Henry had gotten quite passionate.  He waited for a response.  Nothing.  He looked as the two officers looked at each other in front of him.  Neither of them said a thing.

“Well… uh… Henry,” began the caucasian, “you… uhhh… must of… the guys in there never tell us to let people off and they told us to let you off.  So, uhhh…”

The asian officer stepped out of the car and opened Henry’s door.  Henry struggled to get out of the cramped car, but once out he looked the officer in the eyes.  The officer returned the glance for a couple brief moments and then broke eye contact.  Henry laughed.  The officer said nothing and got back into the car.  They drove away.

Henry felt the cold, evening air.  He looked around, took a couple of deep breaths, shook his head, and began his walk home.

A group of three attractive and well put together women approached next.  At about six yards away their chatter subsided and Henry felt them sizing him up.  As they passed him by all three woman looked straight ahead with flexed jaws and slightly pursed lips.

Henry chuckled to himself and then looked up into the sky.  He could see three stars.

“Got any change?” a gruff, off-balance voice asked ahead.  Henry looked for the source of the question.  The two men passing who were asked didn’t.  They wore suits and pea coats and shiny shoes and newsboy caps.  They were both looking down at their phones and Henry moved over as to not disturb their business.

“Sorry,” one muttered as they passed.

“That’s okay!” responded Henry.  He then made his way over to the source of the question, a middle-aged Native-American man. He checked his pockets on the way.  “What’s up, man?”

“Got any change?”

The man sat with his back up against the front of the closed bargain clothing store.  His legs lay out straight in front of him.  He wore one very worn brown leather boot on his right foot, the laces untied and frayed.  He held the other boot in his lap and his left foot lay bare without a sock.  It was beyond swollen and much too large to fit in any type of shoe.  Henry frowned and felt compassion and love for the injured man.

“Yeah,” Henry replied as he continued to dig in his pockets, “but I’m not sure how much… What happened to your foot?”

“I kicked the fuckin’ wall.”

“You should go to the hospital.”

“I did!  They fuckin’…” his words turned to grumbling.  Henry looked into the man’s eyes.  They were not focusing.  His jaw was loosely rocking on its hinges.

“Here you go, man,” said Henry as he dropped a couple dollars of change into the man’s empty coffee cup.  He continued on until being stopped by a solid red hand at an intersection where he joined a group of several others waiting to cross the street.  They were all on their phones.

Henry pulled out his phone hoping to find that some of his calls had been returned.  Nothing.

Jacob

10pm in the city

Henry stepped out the building’s doors on to the concrete sidewalk.

“Hey! I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all day!”

He instinctively turned left, ready to greet an eager friend.  He was smiling widely.

“Oh, it was fucking horrible, he’s such an ass hole,” spoke the young woman into her headset as she bumped past him without any notice.  Henry exhaled, squinted as he pretended to be looking for something off in the distance, then turned around and went the other way.

Henry walked down the street, contemplative at first but then content and with a smile.  He saw a few people walking towards him in the distance but for now he was alone.  The sidewalks were a little quiet, probably because it had been raining on and off all day.  He looked up at the buildings looming over him, in protection he liked to think.

There was a warmth in the city that wasn’t present in its suburbs.  There was a snow in the suburbs that wasn’t present in the city.  The skyscrapers, the condos, the businesses, the homes, the cars, the people; there was so much energy, so much heat.

Starting from the tops of the buildings Henry looked them down.  He paid particular attention to the older buildings.  He looked at the wear.  He looked at the cracked brick and the chipped paint.  He looked at the windows and the outlines of the apartments inside.  He looked down to the street front at the stores.  In his peripherals he saw someone approaching and turned to see.

The young man was ten yards away.  He half glanced up at Henry then continued typing on his phone.  Henry continued to survey him and prepared a smile.  The man continued to type as he passed Henry.  There were more people approaching.

Another man, middle-aged, approached.  He was looking towards the ground, probably about eight feet ahead, and walked a brisk pace.  His gaze was fixed.  He looked anxious.  Henry looked at him deeply and quietly sighed as he passed.

Jacob

2014

Is done.  Another year.  Crazy.  For me, this one was about vidhya, acceptance, forgiveness, and letting go.  A lot of things that occurred in my life had begun to build up at the beginning of the year and were beginning to manifest as restrictions to my soul, mind, and body.

These “things” were past traumas.  Hurting others.  Being hurt by others.  Being a spectator to others hurting others.  Once strong relationships that fizzled out.  When these past traumas that built up actually occurred, I responded through avidhya and/ or repression.  Avidhya is the sanskrit word meaning, basically (and I say this meaning “at it’s most basic”), misapprehension, incorrect knowledge, or false understanding.  Repression is to subdue or inhibit something, in this case a feeling.

Avidhya in the past stemmed from not yet being one with myself and the condition’s four obstacles ; asmita (ego), raga (attachment), dvesa (refusal), and abhinivesa (fear).

For example, I have hurt others in raga.  In desiring a feeling that I may have been attached to, there was avidhya, and I acted in a way that perpetuated that feeling but did not truly understand the condition and the needs of myself and others involved.  After having acted in such a way, asmita may have led me to put myself ahead of others, playing down my actions.  This situation may have happened in reverse, with another acting as such towards me.

This is just one example of how avidhya causes unhappiness.

However, deep down at my core I would know of my wrongs or the wrongs of others.  These traumas were hurtful and very deep.  I did not want to face them.  I did not want to relive the pain of being hurt, or the guilt and shame of hurting others.  And so when these traumas and feelings surfaced, I would repress them.  I would ignore them and hide them away.  In doing this, I maintained avidhya and could not let go.  I carried the hurt around with me, and it manifestly restricted me.

In 2014 I resolved to do more to face these traumas and myself.  I deepened my yoga and meditation and did my best in practicing vidhya (or correct knowledge/ understanding).  In meditation I looked deeply at my body, at my mind, my soul, and the suffering of each.  I looked at past traumas with my purest heart and understanding and found vidhya.  I felt the feelings that I should have felt initially and later repressed.  I frowned, I smiled, I laughed, and I cried.  I rejoiced and I grieved.  I did most of this on my own but shared many of my experiences with those closest to me.

I was then able to accept these traumas and suffering as they are what brought me to where I am now.  Everything that has happened in my life has made me who I am right now.  I was able to forgive myself and others.  I made quite a few phone calls, sent quite a few messages, and was able to rebuild.  I was able to let go of the suffering that restricted me.

In no way am I saying that I am now perfect.  Far from that!  I am me 🙂  Avidhya is something that I will always combat.  I will continue to hurt others, and others will continue to hurt me.  Forever.  But being able to see my life rightly and to let go of negative emotions will help me to continue to move forward and to be happy.

2015

Is a year in which I want to give more of myself.  I resolved to do this in early December, around the same time I made my resolution last year.  I have already been putting this into practice.  I think that beginning this blog is a way that this resolve has already manifested itself?

In the words of my Uncle, “It’s kind of a paradoxical relationship, isn’t it?  The more you give, the more you are filled up.”

Here’s to another year of love, happiness, and health.  To giving and to being filled up.

*The Heart of Yoga by  T.K.V Desikachar is a top notch book for anyone wishing to deepen their yoga practice or non-yogis who wish to deepen their understanding of themselves.