2014

Is done.  Another year.  Crazy.  For me, this one was about vidhya, acceptance, forgiveness, and letting go.  A lot of things that occurred in my life had begun to build up at the beginning of the year and were beginning to manifest as restrictions to my soul, mind, and body.

These “things” were past traumas.  Hurting others.  Being hurt by others.  Being a spectator to others hurting others.  Once strong relationships that fizzled out.  When these past traumas that built up actually occurred, I responded through avidhya and/ or repression.  Avidhya is the sanskrit word meaning, basically (and I say this meaning “at it’s most basic”), misapprehension, incorrect knowledge, or false understanding.  Repression is to subdue or inhibit something, in this case a feeling.

Avidhya in the past stemmed from not yet being one with myself and the condition’s four obstacles ; asmita (ego), raga (attachment), dvesa (refusal), and abhinivesa (fear).

For example, I have hurt others in raga.  In desiring a feeling that I may have been attached to, there was avidhya, and I acted in a way that perpetuated that feeling but did not truly understand the condition and the needs of myself and others involved.  After having acted in such a way, asmita may have led me to put myself ahead of others, playing down my actions.  This situation may have happened in reverse, with another acting as such towards me.

This is just one example of how avidhya causes unhappiness.

However, deep down at my core I would know of my wrongs or the wrongs of others.  These traumas were hurtful and very deep.  I did not want to face them.  I did not want to relive the pain of being hurt, or the guilt and shame of hurting others.  And so when these traumas and feelings surfaced, I would repress them.  I would ignore them and hide them away.  In doing this, I maintained avidhya and could not let go.  I carried the hurt around with me, and it manifestly restricted me.

In 2014 I resolved to do more to face these traumas and myself.  I deepened my yoga and meditation and did my best in practicing vidhya (or correct knowledge/ understanding).  In meditation I looked deeply at my body, at my mind, my soul, and the suffering of each.  I looked at past traumas with my purest heart and understanding and found vidhya.  I felt the feelings that I should have felt initially and later repressed.  I frowned, I smiled, I laughed, and I cried.  I rejoiced and I grieved.  I did most of this on my own but shared many of my experiences with those closest to me.

I was then able to accept these traumas and suffering as they are what brought me to where I am now.  Everything that has happened in my life has made me who I am right now.  I was able to forgive myself and others.  I made quite a few phone calls, sent quite a few messages, and was able to rebuild.  I was able to let go of the suffering that restricted me.

In no way am I saying that I am now perfect.  Far from that!  I am me 🙂  Avidhya is something that I will always combat.  I will continue to hurt others, and others will continue to hurt me.  Forever.  But being able to see my life rightly and to let go of negative emotions will help me to continue to move forward and to be happy.

2015

Is a year in which I want to give more of myself.  I resolved to do this in early December, around the same time I made my resolution last year.  I have already been putting this into practice.  I think that beginning this blog is a way that this resolve has already manifested itself?

In the words of my Uncle, “It’s kind of a paradoxical relationship, isn’t it?  The more you give, the more you are filled up.”

Here’s to another year of love, happiness, and health.  To giving and to being filled up.

*The Heart of Yoga by  T.K.V Desikachar is a top notch book for anyone wishing to deepen their yoga practice or non-yogis who wish to deepen their understanding of themselves.